Let’s Get Real…

It has been a while since I made a post on here and there is good reason for that. A healing journey ebbs and flows and I felt the need to really go inside myself and explore. It can seem lonely to some, but for me it has been empowering, enlightening, and liberating. The solitude gives you an opportunity to really reflect and learn about your true authentic self, past trauma, and suppressed wounds.

This post is going to be more of an update… somewhat of a journal entry, but I wanted to show the rawness of this part of my journey. There is no structured format to this post other than a little of the past combined with a little of the present.

I have been seeing my therapist and BodyTalk practitioner regularly and boy has this work been amazing! Challenging and painful at times, but necessary. I am going to be transparent with what I have discovered as I start to move forward and be the woman I am divinely meant to be.

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel some sort of anxiety. Endless thoughts, scenarios, and stories running rampant in my mind. Wondering what other people were thinking or if I had made a mistake. Wondering if I was good enough. Wondering if I was worthy.

I determined that in an effort to receive attention as a child, I was constantly striving for perfection. Train hard, study hard, win competitions, be an exceptional student. No matter what I did, I felt invisible to the parent I so desired to notice me, my mother.

My father always told me as a child I had what he called “a killer instinct”. He said I was a spitfire, fearless and fiery. I still remember the day when he told me that he couldn’t see it anymore. I felt deflated. Like I had failed. Why had everything I had been doing not worked? I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do and yet, I still wasn’t good enough. I spent years wondering where that spark had gone. Now I realize trying to please everyone else extinguished the authenticity and fire I once had. That beaming little girl no longer shined.

I carried this fear of not being good enough through my teenage years and into my adult life. I was constantly working my ass off to be the best employee. Efficient, effective, dedicated, reliable. Yet, I didn’t receive the recognition I thought I would get. Was I not good enough for success?

I also see how this affected my romantic relationships. I kept men at arms length, fearful of being hurt. If I maintained control and emotional distance, I never had to face not actually being good enough as opposed to just the idea of not being good enough. Until one day, I met someone that challenged me on that. He called me out when I was distancing myself as I felt he was getting too close and that little girl inside me didn’t feel safe. All that said, I decided this may be an opportunity to get outside that safety bubble, take a leap, take a risk to let someone in. Throughout the relationship I had so much self-doubt and insecurity. I used acts of service in hopes of receiving the love and recognition I so desperately wanted, but never got. I was told “you get what you give” so I gave more, but still nothing in return. It wasn’t until I was completely depleted of my energy and my soul was so exhausted that I had to withdraw from this connection. I am grateful for it though.

That’s where the messy work really began. That’s where I dug deep and opened up all the wounds from the past. I went into unchartered waters with no compass.

I shifted my perspective away from wondering if I was good enough to truly believing the only worth placed upon me that has value is that of my own. I stopped caring what other people thought about me. That’s their business, not mine. That’s their issue, not mine.

I wanted to understand why I had such fear of abandonment and while I was always independent, I discovered I was also codependent. It took me two weeks to build up the courage to start reading Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence. I was terrified what I might learn about myself and my past. I cried through the entire first chapter. With the guidance of my BodyTalk practitioner, she was able to take me back to the memory when I experienced the most instrumental abandonment trauma. I am often praised for my memory, but it’s also a curse. There is a reason I suppressed this one. I cried reliving the experience that caused that little girl to instantly build up the walls around her.

So here’s the memory…
I was probably around 7. It’s hard to pinpoint the age, but the memory is so vivid. I remember the cabin, I remember the beach, I remember the trees, I remember fishing off the dock. My family was visiting friends. They had two kids close in age to me and my sister. Our fathers were in the water playing with us. They had one of those two seater paddleboats. I was in one of the seats. I was the smallest and youngest. Our fathers were roughhousing while we were on there, they were rocking it significantly. I remember feeling scared while everyone else seemed to be having fun. Suddenly, the paddleboat tipped over, pinning me underneath. I don’t remember how long I was under the water, it felt like forever and I was terrified. When I was finally able to find my way to the surface on my own, my father dismissed my emotional outcry telling me “you’re fine.” I didn’t feel fine. I didn’t like the feeling of being trapped underwater, but more so, I felt unheard and invalidated. It was in that moment I knew my feelings didn’t matter. It was then that the flame that was once considered my “killer instinct” was doused by the water I felt I was drowning in.

It has taken a lot of work and dedication to get to where I am today. I’m not done yet, I probably never will be. The new perspective I have though is almost like opening your eyes for the first time. Ironically, I am one of few people who actually does remember opening their eyes for the first time. It’s an indescribable feeling, one I haven’t shared with many.

Here are my takeaways so far on this journey…

• People are who they are. I cannot change them. I can only put work into myself and push forward with or without them. If someone or something is no longer feeding your soul, leave it all behind.

• Continuing to people please my way through life will only lead to more disappointment. I will continue to practice saying “no” when I need to and I will do so unapologetically. As a child you didn’t have any issues saying “no”. As an adult, we need to remember to do that.

• I am whole. No one needs to complete me. Until there is someone who enters my life and I feel safe enough to let them into my inner world, I am so infinitely happy journeying through life the way I am now. I am no longer willing to compromise my own values and self-worth for someone else’s ego.

• Not everyone who has been in my life needs to continue to play a role in it. Not everyone who enters my life, needs to stay. I will protect my energy, my mind, my values, my sanity, and my soul. You have to be willing to accept that some people simply aren’t worth your energy, time, and effort.

• The most important relationship you can ever have is the relationship you have with yourself. It’s also the only relationship that will ever truly last a lifetime. Meditation is something I practice daily now. It was hard at first, but I have a better understanding of my thoughts and can redirect that energy to be positive. I can redirect that energy to add fuel to my reignited fire.

Social media has been a tremendously therapeutic outlet for me. I invite you to follow me on Facebook and Instagram as I continue my journey through self-discovery, through growth, through healing, through life.

For those with bright lights, I wish for them to continue to burn bright. For those who are dim, I send you love and strength to be able to add fuel to those fires. For those with a smoking wick and an extinguished flame, there is light to be found. Get dirty, get messy. I believe in your light, so should you.