I have been spending extra time in solitude recently. Alone with my feelings and thoughts and it hit me, what if the great love of my life is ME?
This recent idea or epiphany has led me to wonder if the universe’s plan for me is not to find love for or from another, but to discover and embrace the love for myself. To fully give unconditional love to me. Unconditional being the key word.
This post is not to gain sympathy or pity or likes or follows. My blog and page is about my journey. I have still kept lots private, but when I need to express more, I share. I share in memes on my social media, but sometimes that’s not enough. When it’s not enough, I come here.
I grew up in what I would call a conservative household. One that placed weight on optics and perceptions of others over addressing what was happening inside our walls. I don’t even know what real love looks like. Movies aren’t accurate representations. They make you feel good about the love the characters share, but they clearly aren’t realistic. There is no soundtrack playing in my life that’s for sure.
“All love begins with self love.”
I read the above quote recently. No idea who said it or where it came from, but it stuck with me. I realize it’s similar to the notion that no one can love you unless you love yourself, but to me this was far more impactful. Self love is different than loving yourself. That will make sense to some of you. Read it again.
My healing journey started March 1st, 2021. I was 33 years old. I don’t know what I thought my life would look like at that age, but it wasn’t what it was. I think back to when I was a little girl and my Barbie and her Ken lived in their motorhome mainly because my sister wanted the entire dream house our father had built for us. He did have it separated with a board in between, but what a big sister wants, a big sister gets. I willingly gave my baby Kelly to her so her Barbie could have twins. I didn’t care. I don’t know what I thought I wanted, but it wasn’t the traditional and cliché version of life. The one society tells us we need to have. I wanted more. I still do.
I went to family weddings and endured people asking when I was going to get married or when I would have kids. I didn’t have a boyfriend so tough to know when a wedding would occur. And while I’m super content being the fun aunt and know children are not conducive to my life and my goals, I don’t even know if I can have children. I haven’t shared that detail with many people. I am not a gambling woman, but if I had to bet money on it I would say that I can’t. Side note: please normalize not pressuring or asking people when they are going to have kids. You never know what their situation is.
So here I am… 36 years old, single income household, cat mom, working on me. And you know what, that’s OK! I know so many people who have that shiny exterior in their relationships, but all that glitters is not always gold. If I have learned one thing, it’s that people show you what they want you to see. You may think having a partner or husband or wife and family is what you are supposed to have and want, but your happiness is what you make it.
I’m not happy all day every day, but if I remember to remove society’s expectations from my life, I’m pretty fucking happy overall!
So, cheers to normalizing ANY and ALL love. Love yourself without conditions, love your life, love your path, and love your journey.
The only love that will last a lifetime is the love you have for yourself!
Bright & Bare Sassed 