How to Get Over A Breakup after 30

Majority of people have been there already, but there are some of us who kept people at arm’s length until someone extraordinary came along. Wait… they didn’t end up being extraordinary? That’s the worst! Not to minimize those who went through breakups at earlier ages, but when you have your first major breakup after you are 30, it can hit hard.

For myself, I let someone in after years of being guarded and because I was no longer feeling the joy, love, and fulfillment I wanted, I walked away from that relationship. I’ll spare you the details of the ins and outs of what happened, but the almost 6 year relationship took a toll on me and I was left being nothing but a shell of a woman.

This list is based on my own personal story and can be adapted to any individual. This list is mainly targeted at women, but it also applies to men. So, how did I get over it? Other than the first three being a primary focus, the list of tips for how to cope are in no particular order. Que sad music? I think not! Let’s do this!

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel What You Are Feeling

This is such an integral step in the healing process. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling, give yourself this time. Anger, remorse, shame, hatred, betrayal, deception, sadness, grief, depression. It’s all valid. I cannot stress how vital it is to give yourself permission to feel all of these feelings. The most important thing is that you acknowledge these feelings as you feel them. Be conscious and be kind to yourself in order to move forward from these emotions.

2. Be Lazy and Comfort Yourself for 2 Weeks

Why the time limit? Fair question. I gave myself two weeks of leniency because I didn’t want to get into a routine of self loathing and destruction. It’s easy to go down a path and get lost. Give yourself a date that you will start to begin the other steps in your own healing process.

What did I do during these two weeks? Well, I slept, a lot and never felt rested. I ate what I wanted, whenever I wanted. Cake, cookies, fast food, chocolate, pizza pretzels (mmm, my weakness). Other than going to work, no one saw me. I didn’t communicate with people unless I had to. I binged Netflix like I was a critic. I declined offers to go out with friends. I went inside myself for 2 weeks. I became a hermit.

3. Let Yourself Cry & Grieve

This step is beyond helpful. I would find myself watching sad movies to bring out the tears. It would unleash what felt like an endless flood of salty discharge (shameless Seinfeld reference). Watching feel good, romance movies reminded me of what I didn’t have. It prompted me to open the flood gates.

I was never an emotional child. Even as a teenager, I didn’t cry much. Now, my tears wouldn’t stop. I was crying at the simplest things and that was ok. It’s so imperative to your healing to let it all out. Underlying emotions and hurt and pain can come out at the simplest, saddest things you see. I realized that crying at the movie Hachi: A Dog’s Tale showed I still possessed the same compassion I always had and prompted an ocean of emotions I was suppressing.

Grief is not something that many associate with this situation, but dealing with the loss of a relationship is exactly that, grief. Acknowledge it.

4. Start Working Out

To quote Elle Woods in Legally Blonde; “Endorphins make you happy, happy people don’t kill their husbands.” Ok… minus the killing of the husband part, let’s focus on the endorphins. Get yourself moving. While it may seem like climbing Everest, a short walk can change your entire mood. You will naturally feel better about yourself once you get your ass off the couch. It’s hard to make that first step to do this, but it is so worth it.

Eventually, you want to work yourself up to be in some kind of a routine. Start small. A short walk every night will suffice. Then start adding something else. Maybe yoga, maybe Pilates, maybe some strength training. Baby steps!

5. Read, Read, and Read Some More

I am an avid reader. During my relationship, that suffered. Once the breakup happened, I turned to the written word for comfort. I didn’t pick up fiction, I picked up self-help and personal development to reignite the fire within myself. To rediscover what was inside me. I read books about positivity, gratitude, strong women, and satire. My passion for the written word came back quickly and I couldn’t get enough. Book after book after book were knocked down and I felt my brain firing on all cylinders again.

Reading is something I recommend for anyone, but for women going through a breakup? Well… that’s a gamechanger.

6. Lean on Your Girl Squad

THIS ONE!!! Your girls are your support, your rocks, your hype squad. Some of you may not be as lucky as me, but I have some of the best girlfriends you could ever ask for. They were there to check on me, get me out of the house, bring me wine, sit with me, cry with me, listen to me, call me, text me. These are the people who know you best. They know you inside/out. Lean on them, trust them, open up to them. They are there because they have your back no matter what.

7. Go To Therapy

I have seen a therapist off and on since I was 15 years old and believe in this being a useful tool. There is NO shame in seeking professional assistance during your recovery or during your life in general.

Finding the right therapist for you is beyond important during your healing process. You need to find someone that you connect with, someone you can open up to without fear of judgement.

This person is meant to help you learn about why the relationship was unsuccessful, how to identify the red flags early on, and how you can rebuild yourself to determine your non-negotiables and deal breakers for future relationships.

8. Talk About It

Obviously, you will talk to your therapist and girlfriends, but sometimes you need to talk to yourself or complete strangers as well.

I personally used this as an opportunity to share my story with other women in similar situations. I felt instantly stronger the day I left the relationship and decided it would be beneficial for myself and others if we went through the healing process together. Sharing what we were learning, feeling, thinking. The joy of living in this day and age is that social media can connect you with people all over the world. You will NEVER be alone in your journey.

9. Journal

I have kept a journal since I was a kid so this one was easy for me. I went out and bought myself a beautiful hardcover journal that I carry around with me everywhere. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed, sad, happy, or even strong, I would pull it out and write in it. The most beneficial part of having a journal is going back and reading your previous entries to remind yourself of how far you have come.

10. Affirmations, Affirmations, Affirmations

To some, this might seem silly, but you would be surprised how it can change your mindset. Affirmations can completely transform your mentality and start to shift your focus to a better perspective.

My favorite affirmation goes like this…
“I do not chase, I attract. What belongs to me will simply find me.”

11. Rediscover Your Passions

Sometimes we lose ourselves in a relationship. We stop doing the things we love because we are craving attention from our partner and want to spend more time giving to them, than to ourselves.

Take this time to rediscover those lost passions. For me it was hiking, photography, painting, and writing. I forgot how much I valued these parts of my life. They were my creative outlet. When I started to spend more time making these activities a priority, I felt lighter, happier, more at peace.

12. Determine What There is to Learn From This

You will likely go through a lot of this during therapy, but you can do it on your own. You need to determine what your non-negotiables and deal breakers are for future relationships. What are you willing to compromise on and what are you not? Perhaps you want a partner that contributes equally to the household chores and expenses, maybe it is making sure that a weekly date night is never ignored, maybe you want someone who participates in making the travel plans, maybe it is as simple as having the presence of mutual respect.

13. Practice Self Love & Make Self Care a Priority

Self care comes in many forms. It can be binging a Netflix series on a Friday night, going for a pedicure, taking a walk in the park, reading a book on the beach, having a bubble bath with your favorite glass of wine, or even turning your phone off for a few hours. Taking a time out is key to grounding yourself, resetting, readjusting, and refocusing.

This one was incredibly hard for me to do, but once I finally let go and starting making ME a priority, it got easier and easier.

14. NEVER Reach Out to Him About It

Some of you might feel the urge to reach out to your ex in hopes of explaining how much they hurt you. This is a mistake. You will not get closure from them. If anything, they will try to manipulate the situation into making you out to be the villain, calling you a quitter, telling you that YOU were the one who gave up on the relationship.

This is not to say that there aren’t amicable splits, but you need to remind yourself why you left the relationship in the first place, regardless of who initiated it. Stay strong and focus on yourself and your own personal journey of healing.

15. Accept That He Will Never Change & You Deserve Better

Have you ever heard “actions speak louder than words”? It’s true! Their behavior is what it is. If they were going to change or make an effort, they would have done so when you were together, not after you broke up.

Know your worth! Know what you bring to the table and what you deserve in return. Relationships are not effortless, they are work. Both parties must be willing to put in the effort to make the relationship successful.

16. Learn About Yourself

This one can be challenging because it means opening up wounds. Not just wounds from the relationship, but the wounds you bandaged from prior trauma.

One of the biggest realizations for many women is that they may be independent, but codependent as well. Codependence is when someone is excessively emotionally and psychologically reliant on their partner. Requiring validation, reassurance, and nurturing to define their self-worth. This has been found to be deeply rooted within your childhood. The relationship we had with our parents and how they responded to us can leave a mark on how we interact in future relationships. Become more self aware and conscious of yourself, your thoughts, and your behaviors.

I came to the realization that I had lived my entire life being a person I thought I was supposed to be. I was a people pleaser. I didn’t know how to say “no”. I have now found my voice. I found my “no”. I found my self-worth. I found self love. I found ME.

17. Reconnect With Old Friends

Post breakup, I realized I had become quite isolated from many of my friends. People I once connected with regularly had become strangers. It was time to reconnect with those who had been important people in my life, those I neglected to make a priority. I was the one who initiated contact with these past friends and connections. Sometimes all it takes is a text message to them saying “I miss you” and you can pick up right where you left off. Those are the lasting connections you need to revisit.

Final words…
Breakups are hard at any age, but after 30, they can be debilitating. Remember that you are strong enough to start over. Take the time to heal and get to know who you really are. Rely on your heart, soul, and mind to get you through this. Dig deep and learn from it. And always remember “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger “.